Stupid Human Trick 10,025...Bug Removal For Dummies



Well, the humans really outdid their previous stupid human tricks with their latest adventure in moronic action. Let me set the stage for you: The humans took a trip to Hocking Hills a few weeks back—they even shipped the little humans off to my Swat-a-Granny and the Shih-Tzu Grandma and the Aunt that thinks I’m cute and cuddly. The Face of Stupid, AKA Max the Dog, visited the boarding kennel. It was a great 4 days. Peace, quiet, relaxation. Since I knew that the cat sitter was going to be stopping by, there were no unfortunate cat food burglar misunderstandings. It was a nice vacation. Fluff, the girls and I really enjoyed it. Mom and Dad even came home early and spent a day with just the cats before the kids and the dog came home. So what was the latest stupid human trick?


The humans came home on a Saturday night, unloaded the car, unpacked all of their stuff, and went about their normal routine. Sunday morning, the Mom human made several trips up and down the stairs. She brought in the newspaper, packed away the suitcases, fed us, cleaned out cat litter—and even talked to the cat sitter on the front landing. Then it happened. Mom saw the ugliest, most awful, bug like creature she’d ever seen right on the front landing where she had been walking all morning! (For those of you unfamiliar with Hocking Hills—it’s a nature area in Eastern Ohio and the humans stayed in a rustic cabin in the woods, etc.) Mom was immediately convinced that this bug hitched a ride home with them!


Let me tell you, Mom’s not a panic freak. She’s the official designated spider killer, house centipede remover, and generally not very excitable. When she started screaming for the Dad human, Fluff, the girls and I perched ourselves at the top of the stairs for a bird’s eye view of the action. Dad, who had been asleep, headed down the stairs—and stopped midway as soon as he saw the bug.


“What is it?” Mom was asking him.


“I don’t know, kill it.” Dad squinted from his spot on the stairs.


“You kill it!”


This went on for several minutes. It was a riot. Mom was not very happy with dad. The girls and I were rolling! Fluff got bored and walked down the stairs to see if there was any breakfast left in the bowls—walking right by the bug.


“See?? The cats won’t even mess with it! You kill it!” This somehow proved to Mom that this was a bug to be reckoned with if we cats wouldn’t play with it.


“I’m not killing it.” Dad turned around and went back to the bedroom.


Mom decided that killing it would make a big mess—so she opted to scoop up said bug onto the dustpan (and pray she didn’t get stung by some prehistoric psycho bug). When it didn’t move, she considered herself lucky and tossed it quickly outside.


Why exactly was this the latest stupid human trick? Why did the girls and I find it so utterly hysterical? Little did the humans know at the time, but the psycho killer bug was actually a very well rendered plastic Halloween treat that the middle little kid had received during Trick or Treat. Fluffy had found it on the kid’s window ledge and carried it upstairs to play with it and left it on the landing. It was even funnier later when the parents were relaying the story to Grandma and Grandpa—with photos—and the middle little kid said, “That looks just like the bug I got for Halloween!”


One mad little kid demanding a bug replacement....$2.00


The look on the faces of Mom and Dad when they realized the truth of the situation...priceless


Stupid Human Trick 10025….at least.

Posted by Frito the Fat Cat Blogging on Sunday, November 21, 2010 | Tagged | 0 comments

Guest Post: Gina's Canine Cohabitation Plan


As Frito mentioned, as part of our canine adaptation plan, Mom wants us each to write our coping techniques which will be employed to learn to live with this horrible animal. I was chosen to present my plan next since I am the most direct, straightforward and sincere. Here goes.

As in Lea’s Plan, I too will need to start with a newspaper ad:



Wanted: To Buy or Trade

One copy of the book, “You Too Can Make it Look Like an Accident” by Joe D’Hitman.
Book’s condition is not important, nor is the version. I’ve lost my original—if someone could even just fax me a copy of Chapter 3: The Art of Stairs, that would cover it.
Contact Gina T. Cat directly. I will purchase or trade for one small, striped, slightly Loofa-life cat. Humans need not be involved or named to protect the idiots that allowed this beast into our happy home.


What?

Gina

Posted by Frito the Fat Cat Blogging on Friday, November 19, 2010 | Tagged | 0 comments

Guest Post: Lea's Canine Cohabitation Plan



For those of you who don't know me, I'm Lea. I found Frito's family a long time ago when I was cold and hungry--I was just a baby--and they took me in. It was a good life for a few years--then they adopted this thing they called Max. I call him a vacuum cleaner with hound dog ears--but, the humans didn't care much for my analogies.

ANYWAY--I have been asked by the Mom Human to develop a plan that would allow Frito, Gina and myself to peacefully, safely live with Mister Max. This is the best option I could think of.

For Sale or Trade




One slightly used floppy eared hound dog like thing. Razors…uh..teeth are in like new condition. While not attractive to cat taste, coat, ears and general appearance must be pleasing to someone. Makes messes when it eats—often from both ends. Apparently this is also pleasing to humans. Makes horrible wake up alarm sound human calls a bark and has a turbo charged suction device over mouth razors that humans call its “hound sniffer”.
Will sell for 48.99 or trade for one bag of our Vet Diet cat food. Also willing to throw in a slightly unpleasant white cat with grey spots—no charge.

Contact Lea T. Cat directly. Humans need not be involved. They have entrusted me entirely to complete said transaction.

What can I say? This is the only way I see of working this out. Just because the cats and I don’t like him doesn’t mean that there isn’t a creature out there somewhere willing to take him in!

Lea

Posted by Frito the Fat Cat Blogging on | Tagged | 0 comments

Frito's Canine Cohabitation Plan


After months and months of trial cohabitation with the awful Beast from the Humane Society (the humans call it Max), we are no closer to accepting this situation. We have tried to talk to Mom about it—but, she says the dog stays. She says that we cats need to learn to adapt.

As part of our adaptation, Mom wants me and the Girls each to write our plan to learn to live with this horrible animal. I have had great difficulty writing my proposed plan. My world has gone into a state of total disorder to such an extent that I can barely compose my thoughts. Here goes.

Unlike the girls, I feel that I owe it to the humans to at least try to compose a plan to live in one house with the pound hound dog.

First, I would like to say that this “dog” has been a disaster to my psyche. I was a dog supporter from birth. I am now questioning everything I thought I knew and believed about dogs. I loved my old dog Bear. It was because of my relationship with Bear that I rebelled at the CAT Institute. I even formed a Cats Who Love Dogs Support Group….now I am lost.

What is this monster they call Max?!?!?! Why does he bark at me even after I go at him with a right cross?? Why does he keep growing??? I had no idea that house dogs were this big! I thought the Great Dane I met at the vet was some cross breed with a horse or a giraffe or something. OMG!!! Was my Bear even a Dog????

HAS MY ENTIRE LIFE BEEN A LIE?????

Well, as you can see, I’ve become a slight bit fragile in the past month. I have decided that it is time for me to return to the CAT institute from my early blog posts and see if the counselors there can work me through this.

In the meantime, I will hope that the girls have some success with their cohabitation plans. I am sure that there is a way to accomplish this, but I have been emotionally and intellectually drained by this whole situation and I just can’t seem to grasp an appropriate answer.

Anyway. I’ve got to take some time to recompose myself, regain some composure—go to some group therapy in a friendly all-cat environment.

I will put together a plan when I return….unless the girls have a solved our dilemma.

Frito


Posted by Frito the Fat Cat Blogging on | Tagged | 0 comments