My Buddy Tiger Could Use a Forever Home

I’m taking a break from my usual dog hating, sarcastic rants today because I have a cat pal in need. His name’s Tiger and he’s a pretty cool guy. Well, I’ll be honest, I haven’t met him personally—he’s my “cousin”, and the Mom lady says he’s the best cat she’s ever met besides Me, Fluff, Lea, Gina and the late, great Salzi Doodle. The Mom lady’s a pretty good judge of cat character, you know.

See, I haven’t met Tiger because Mom says he has an illness. It’s called Feline Leukemia. He tested positive for both FLV and FIV and my Aunt and Uncle who took him in off the streets are having a hard time trying to decide what to do. They can’t bear the thought of having him put down because he is such a loving cat—so full of life still. But, they have three kitties that have not been exposed to FLV/FIV and they are afraid to risk giving them Tiger’s disease.

Tiger really needs to be adopted by a loving family—and live in a one cat household. He’d love to be a lap cat—and find someone to devote himself to for the rest of his life. My Aunt and Uncle adopted Tiger—and promised to love him, and it’s out of that love that they have been so determined to find him a good home to offer him the care and attention that he needs.

Right now Tiger has to be isolated from my other cousins. Dixie, Callie and Grey have the run of the house—and lots of lap time. The vets suggest that Tiger be put down. The animal shelters cannot take him because he is too much of a risk to their other cats and would be too difficult to adopt out.

Okay, Frito fans—can any of you help him out? Do you know someone that would be willing to adopt him and help him live out the rest of his life in peace? I sure hope so. See when I developed my urinary tract issues a few years back, the Mom lady refused to listen to talk about putting me down—and I’d consider it an honor to be able to give Tiger the same chances I’ve had through the years.

Leave me a comment or shoot me an email if you have questions or think you can help my buddy Tiger.

Maine Coon Meets Coon Hound: Canine Affinity Treatment Step Two

If a cat fails to accept the given logic that cats are the polar opposite of dogs, it is up to the owner to find his or her cat's anti-cat...a.k.a. the dog absolutely most un-like the cat and set up a meeting to set a dog loving cat on track.

I wish my family had kept the Face of Stupid, my anti-cat dog, for only an initial meeting--but, NOoooooooooo, they had to adopt it. The most important aspects of this step in a cat's Canine Affection treatment are twofold. (1) The dog must be the ultimate opposite of the cat for the maximum impact and (2)The dog should be a loaner dog--not a permanent resident.

*Ignoring aspect two can cause personality disorders, unmanageable anger, and other psychosomatic illnesses leading up to and including one Frito sized kitty meltdown! Because I understand that humans often lead by example--I am offering my own personal memories of my Step Two. My cat pals know that I am something of a "soul cat"--I am laid back. I enjoy calm, peaceful living. I like calm music, a clean litter box, and a quiet napping table. The humans decided it was time for me to meet my anti-cat. Then THIS happened.

(You may need to switch the view at the bottom of the video window from 360p to 480p in order for the YouTube music to play with the video--there's some AudioSwap bug that's causing a glitch at the present)

Canine Affection Therapy Step 1: Understand differences?

My therapists at the CAT (Canine Affection Treatment) Institute are thrilled with my total reversal in dog-affinity. So much so, in fact, that I have been asked to write an advice manual intended for the Institute to use in healing their toughest, dog loving cats. Ah, what the hey--the Institute has offered payment in black olives and complimentary anger management counseling. All I have to do is map out my treatment techniques.

Let's begin at the beginning. Step One. Cats are Different than Dogs.

Okay, cats, I realize that this is an obvious, basic assumption. However, it is one that many dog loving cats seem to ignore and resist. I had my dog Bear. He was sweet, he was fluffy, he never barked, he was actually smaller than I was--I think in my heart I felt that he was really a cat. It clouded my judgement and my common cat sense. I was confused.

When the parents discussed adopting a hound mix mutt puppy from the shelter, I heard the words "coon hound". Well, swat my tail and call me a Shih Tzu! I am a Maine Coon--the new dog was originally believed to be a Tennessee Walking Coon Hound mix--this was going to be awesome! Do you suppose our grandmothers were related? Maybe it was on my dad's side. Wonder how the coon clan made the moves between Maine and Tennessee???

See? I was obviously confused. Whatever difference the state of Maine made to my coon genes was signficant--and whatever Tennessee did to Max's relatives was quite horrific. See? I was totally delusional! Once I met him, I realized that he was surely adopted into the family...or perhaps the result of inbreeding...or cross breeding. Maybe just flat out bad breeding!

Related? No. Even shared naming and the possibility of confused ancestors does not create any similarity between dogs and cats. None. We are different. It's a fact. It's a reality--and accepting this difference is necessary to successfully begin your canine affection treatment.

Has Anyone Noticed that the Kids are MISSING??

Okay, one minute I was asleep on my blanket (the one that the middle little kid think is hers) and the next minute, I wake up and all three little irritating human kids are GONE. They have absolutely disappeared. Vanished. G-O-N-E. The weird thing? The Mom and Dad humans seem not to notice.

Do you supposed they've lost their minds--or maybe they've come to their senses and gotten rid of the time sponging brats...Oh...could it be? Do you supposed they got rid of the dog too? #%^@ Nope, the Face of Stupid is still upstairs in bed with the Dad human.

They must have been KIDNAPPED! Okay..let's go back here. What do I remember before the kidnapping? Yesterday morning, Fluffy stole a turkey neck, the mom human was making banana pudding (Fluffy tried to get the milk and was thrown outside), Gina was reminded that not every human belonging was in "the wrong place" and that she needed to be tolerant, Lea moved into her "company's coming" hidey-hole under the littlest little kid's the kids are gone. What happened?

OH NO!!! I slept through Thanksgiving! I missed the black olives! I missed swatting my Swat-a-Granny! I missed biting the Aunt that thinks I'm cute and cuddly! I missed the first eight hour of peace once the little humans are off to Grandma's. I must be getting old! How does a cat like me sleep through the annual holiday feast and guests.

Did I lose a life? Should I get my hearing checked? HOW OLD AM I??? I blame the dog. He must have slipped something into that catnip! Yeah. That's it. The dog ruined my Thanksgiving. The girls and I need a sit down.

Stupid Human Trick 10,025...Bug Removal For Dummies

Well, the humans really outdid their previous stupid human tricks with their latest adventure in moronic action. Let me set the stage for you: The humans took a trip to Hocking Hills a few weeks back—they even shipped the little humans off to my Swat-a-Granny and the Shih-Tzu Grandma and the Aunt that thinks I’m cute and cuddly. The Face of Stupid, AKA Max the Dog, visited the boarding kennel. It was a great 4 days. Peace, quiet, relaxation. Since I knew that the cat sitter was going to be stopping by, there were no unfortunate cat food burglar misunderstandings. It was a nice vacation. Fluff, the girls and I really enjoyed it. Mom and Dad even came home early and spent a day with just the cats before the kids and the dog came home. So what was the latest stupid human trick?

The humans came home on a Saturday night, unloaded the car, unpacked all of their stuff, and went about their normal routine. Sunday morning, the Mom human made several trips up and down the stairs. She brought in the newspaper, packed away the suitcases, fed us, cleaned out cat litter—and even talked to the cat sitter on the front landing. Then it happened. Mom saw the ugliest, most awful, bug like creature she’d ever seen right on the front landing where she had been walking all morning! (For those of you unfamiliar with Hocking Hills—it’s a nature area in Eastern Ohio and the humans stayed in a rustic cabin in the woods, etc.) Mom was immediately convinced that this bug hitched a ride home with them!

Let me tell you, Mom’s not a panic freak. She’s the official designated spider killer, house centipede remover, and generally not very excitable. When she started screaming for the Dad human, Fluff, the girls and I perched ourselves at the top of the stairs for a bird’s eye view of the action. Dad, who had been asleep, headed down the stairs—and stopped midway as soon as he saw the bug.

“What is it?” Mom was asking him.

“I don’t know, kill it.” Dad squinted from his spot on the stairs.

You kill it!”

This went on for several minutes. It was a riot. Mom was not very happy with dad. The girls and I were rolling! Fluff got bored and walked down the stairs to see if there was any breakfast left in the bowls—walking right by the bug.

“See?? The cats won’t even mess with it! You kill it!” This somehow proved to Mom that this was a bug to be reckoned with if we cats wouldn’t play with it.

“I’m not killing it.” Dad turned around and went back to the bedroom.

Mom decided that killing it would make a big mess—so she opted to scoop up said bug onto the dustpan (and pray she didn’t get stung by some prehistoric psycho bug). When it didn’t move, she considered herself lucky and tossed it quickly outside.

Why exactly was this the latest stupid human trick? Why did the girls and I find it so utterly hysterical? Little did the humans know at the time, but the psycho killer bug was actually a very well rendered plastic Halloween treat that the middle little kid had received during Trick or Treat. Fluffy had found it on the kid’s window ledge and carried it upstairs to play with it and left it on the landing. It was even funnier later when the parents were relaying the story to Grandma and Grandpa—with photos—and the middle little kid said, “That looks just like the bug I got for Halloween!”

One mad little kid demanding a bug replacement....$2.00

The look on the faces of Mom and Dad when they realized the truth of the situation...priceless

Stupid Human Trick 10025….at least.

Guest Post: Gina's Canine Cohabitation Plan

As Frito mentioned, as part of our canine adaptation plan, Mom wants us each to write our coping techniques which will be employed to learn to live with this horrible animal. I was chosen to present my plan next since I am the most direct, straightforward and sincere. Here goes.

As in Lea’s Plan, I too will need to start with a newspaper ad:

Wanted: To Buy or Trade

One copy of the book, “You Too Can Make it Look Like an Accident” by Joe D’Hitman.
Book’s condition is not important, nor is the version. I’ve lost my original—if someone could even just fax me a copy of Chapter 3: The Art of Stairs, that would cover it.
Contact Gina T. Cat directly. I will purchase or trade for one small, striped, slightly Loofa-life cat. Humans need not be involved or named to protect the idiots that allowed this beast into our happy home.



Guest Post: Lea's Canine Cohabitation Plan

For those of you who don't know me, I'm Lea. I found Frito's family a long time ago when I was cold and hungry--I was just a baby--and they took me in. It was a good life for a few years--then they adopted this thing they called Max. I call him a vacuum cleaner with hound dog ears--but, the humans didn't care much for my analogies.

ANYWAY--I have been asked by the Mom Human to develop a plan that would allow Frito, Gina and myself to peacefully, safely live with Mister Max. This is the best option I could think of.

For Sale or Trade

One slightly used floppy eared hound dog like thing. Razors…uh..teeth are in like new condition. While not attractive to cat taste, coat, ears and general appearance must be pleasing to someone. Makes messes when it eats—often from both ends. Apparently this is also pleasing to humans. Makes horrible wake up alarm sound human calls a bark and has a turbo charged suction device over mouth razors that humans call its “hound sniffer”.
Will sell for 48.99 or trade for one bag of our Vet Diet cat food. Also willing to throw in a slightly unpleasant white cat with grey spots—no charge.

Contact Lea T. Cat directly. Humans need not be involved. They have entrusted me entirely to complete said transaction.

What can I say? This is the only way I see of working this out. Just because the cats and I don’t like him doesn’t mean that there isn’t a creature out there somewhere willing to take him in!


Frito's Canine Cohabitation Plan

After months and months of trial cohabitation with the awful Beast from the Humane Society (the humans call it Max), we are no closer to accepting this situation. We have tried to talk to Mom about it—but, she says the dog stays. She says that we cats need to learn to adapt.

As part of our adaptation, Mom wants me and the Girls each to write our plan to learn to live with this horrible animal. I have had great difficulty writing my proposed plan. My world has gone into a state of total disorder to such an extent that I can barely compose my thoughts. Here goes.

Unlike the girls, I feel that I owe it to the humans to at least try to compose a plan to live in one house with the pound hound dog.

First, I would like to say that this “dog” has been a disaster to my psyche. I was a dog supporter from birth. I am now questioning everything I thought I knew and believed about dogs. I loved my old dog Bear. It was because of my relationship with Bear that I rebelled at the CAT Institute. I even formed a Cats Who Love Dogs Support Group….now I am lost.

What is this monster they call Max?!?!?! Why does he bark at me even after I go at him with a right cross?? Why does he keep growing??? I had no idea that house dogs were this big! I thought the Great Dane I met at the vet was some cross breed with a horse or a giraffe or something.
OMG!!! Was my Bear even a Dog????


Well, as you can see, I’ve become a slight bit fragile in the past month. I have decided that it is time for me to return to the CAT institute from my early blog posts and see if the counselors there can work me through this.

In the meantime, I will hope that the girls have some success with their cohabitation plans. I am sure that there is a way to accomplish this, but I have been emotionally and intellectually drained by this whole situation and I just can’t seem to grasp an appropriate answer.

Anyway. I’ve got to take some time to recompose myself, regain some composure—go to some group therapy in a friendly all-cat environment.

I will put together a plan when I return….unless the girls have a solved our dilemma.