One Fat Cat With a Blog

What are some of this cat's New Year's Resolutions? The New Year is almost here and I wanted to get a jump on the crazy cat lady’s annual “self improvement” demands. Every year, she wants me to create my personal New Year’s Resolutions—and do some soul searching and self evaluation in some goofball human inspired effort to be the “best cat that I can be”. Most years, I grumble and complain and just simply rewrite or paraphrase last year’s list to humor the crazy mom human. This year, though, I’m a little more thankful for each passing life and I think I’m going to put more thought into my New Year’s Resolutions.

The vet will never again call this big boned kitty fat.
Does this mean that I will lose more weight? Eat my canned mouse ears and innards without complaint? Uh, no, it means that when the farsighted vet criticizes Frito T. Cat, I plan to bite her with all of the force that my manly 23 pounds can muster. Hey, I’ll continue the diet torture in a bag—simply because it keeps me peeing like a kitten—but, the fat cat jokes stop here. (And unless the vet’s about to drop another litter of two or three little humans, a few cans of diet mouse ears should probably grace her lunch bag as well.)

I will exercise.
Surprised? Don't be! After all, if I don’t stay in shape, how can I beat the crap out of one floppy eared pound hound on a daily basis? I may dislike exercise—but, I LOATHE that floppy eared pound hound. Bring on the milk ring fetching game. Frito’s in training!

I will be nice to Max the Dog
(Yes, this is a human imposed New Year's Resolution for the cat) Hey—I will be nice unless I catch him looking at me, or at Fluff or the girls. If he barks, I’ll bash him. If he wags that hound dog tail, I’ll bash him. If he breathes in my presence, I’ll bash him. I’m only so strong. I am just one cat.

I will refrain from swatting the old folks.
It seems that I have been labeled by the GrandHumans as unfriendly—even intimidating. I would not be intimidating if they would not try to pet me, touch me, goo-goo/gaa-gaa at me or walk within 6 feet of me. Is this so hard to understand? In an effort to regain my kitty charm, I agree to refrain swatting the feeble except on the occasional third Sunday of the month. They don’t visit as often, so this should increase their odds of a swat free weekend.

I, Frito T. Cat, will NEVER eat a mouse.
This is more of an admission than a resolution--but, it is time that I stand up for my convictions. In the past, the humans have requested that I catch a mouse. I refuse. I now openly refuse. I am a passive kitty. I love peace. I love harmony. I may eat the occasional bug or butterfly—but, a mouse. EEWWWW.

The crazy cat lady will likely give me some secondary, “personal reflection” assignment—but, until then, I think I’ve developed a realistic, inspiring list of New Year’s Resolutions. Maybe if I impress her with this list, I’ll get enough computer time to keep up with my blog on a more regular basis. At least the face of stupid doesn’t have a blog…boy that would offer some though provoking reading….Bubba says this…Bubba says that…blah blah blah…duh duh duh.

Well—I’m sending out my New Year well wishes a bit early—but, I think it will help me focus! I’m ready to put 2010 to rest and come out swatting in 2011!

What resolutions do you wish to accomplish this year?

If you know me from MyCatSpace, you know that the crazy cat lady with whom I live has pretty high, generally ridiculous, expectatations of the cats in the house. She wants us to be expressive, to be artistic and she also expects us to examine our "inner cat" to live above and beyond a basic furball existence.

Anyway--to make a longer story more reasonable, the other cats and I are required to compose an annual listing of resolutions, or self improvement goals for the year. I listed mine over on MCS with the Dumb Dumb Fluff and the girls--but, I thought it would be a good post here to sort of get me focused for the New Year. Here goes. The other cats and I give the Mom lady a list (which I've noted below in bold)…You will see the edits and my personal thoughts on each resolution in italics. Find my "inner cat"....crazy human.

Frito’s List
Lose More Weight. I will lose 8 pounds before my next physical at the vet.
I am pretty darned proud of myself. I lost 1.4 pounds last year. So what if my vet lost about 25—she had a baby--twins I think! It made things easy for her! As I’ve mentioned, I am mostly MAINE COON. I’m FLUFFY..Fluff is not lost by daily consumption of canned mouse ears or whatever pet food composite can be found in the bag of "diet food". If I lose 8 pounds, it would be like hacking up a normal sized cat in a hairball. Ridiculous. I will aim for 2 pounds. No more. I expect, unless the vet is set to drop two more kids, she'll be back up to her less than ideal weight by my next physical. She wasn't eating canned mouse ears the last time I saw her.

Exercise.
I will engage in exercise. I hate that dog. I will participate in the daily running of the puppy. I will chase him at every waking opportunity. I will sock him in that overgrown hound dog snout at every sniff. For the record, I still think he’s a fitness trainer in a foxhound suit.

I will be nice to Max the Dog
Are you kidding? See the last resolution.

I will not swat Human Grandma Lady when she comes to visit.
I will not swat Grandma every time she comes to visit. And I will only bite her on the occasional third Sunday of the month. That way she'll have good odds of visiting on a non-biting weekend. I think that’s fair.

I will catch a mouse.
This was on my list last year and it didn’t happen then either. Me catch a mouse? Hell no. I will let Fluffy D’Tail catch any mouse he wants without interference from me in any form!

I am sure that the crazy human lady expected more from me. I am the pillar of the house and all--but, I am just one cat. (Being the size of two cats does not require that I be held to a higher moral standard.

Oh--and on my own note--I plan to write more in 2010. The human lady needs to set some priorities around here. If she wants me to be the rock--she'd better kick out some of the time sponging pebbles around here and give me some computer time.

If you want to see the other cats' resolutions, you can check out our profile on MyCatSpace. We are Fritoandthegirls.

Happy New Year!