Frito T. Cat's New Year's Resolutions 2011

What are some of this cat's New Year's Resolutions? The New Year is almost here and I wanted to get a jump on the crazy cat lady’s annual “self improvement” demands. Every year, she wants me to create my personal New Year’s Resolutions—and do some soul searching and self evaluation in some goofball human inspired effort to be the “best cat that I can be”. Most years, I grumble and complain and just simply rewrite or paraphrase last year’s list to humor the crazy mom human. This year, though, I’m a little more thankful for each passing life and I think I’m going to put more thought into my New Year’s Resolutions.

The vet will never again call this big boned kitty fat.
Does this mean that I will lose more weight? Eat my canned mouse ears and innards without complaint? Uh, no, it means that when the farsighted vet criticizes Frito T. Cat, I plan to bite her with all of the force that my manly 23 pounds can muster. Hey, I’ll continue the diet torture in a bag—simply because it keeps me peeing like a kitten—but, the fat cat jokes stop here. (And unless the vet’s about to drop another litter of two or three little humans, a few cans of diet mouse ears should probably grace her lunch bag as well.)

I will exercise.
Surprised? Don't be! After all, if I don’t stay in shape, how can I beat the crap out of one floppy eared pound hound on a daily basis? I may dislike exercise—but, I LOATHE that floppy eared pound hound. Bring on the milk ring fetching game. Frito’s in training!

I will be nice to Max the Dog
(Yes, this is a human imposed New Year's Resolution for the cat) Hey—I will be nice unless I catch him looking at me, or at Fluff or the girls. If he barks, I’ll bash him. If he wags that hound dog tail, I’ll bash him. If he breathes in my presence, I’ll bash him. I’m only so strong. I am just one cat.

I will refrain from swatting the old folks.
It seems that I have been labeled by the GrandHumans as unfriendly—even intimidating. I would not be intimidating if they would not try to pet me, touch me, goo-goo/gaa-gaa at me or walk within 6 feet of me. Is this so hard to understand? In an effort to regain my kitty charm, I agree to refrain swatting the feeble except on the occasional third Sunday of the month. They don’t visit as often, so this should increase their odds of a swat free weekend.

I, Frito T. Cat, will NEVER eat a mouse.
This is more of an admission than a resolution--but, it is time that I stand up for my convictions. In the past, the humans have requested that I catch a mouse. I refuse. I now openly refuse. I am a passive kitty. I love peace. I love harmony. I may eat the occasional bug or butterfly—but, a mouse. EEWWWW.

The crazy cat lady will likely give me some secondary, “personal reflection” assignment—but, until then, I think I’ve developed a realistic, inspiring list of New Year’s Resolutions. Maybe if I impress her with this list, I’ll get enough computer time to keep up with my blog on a more regular basis. At least the face of stupid doesn’t have a blog…boy that would offer some though provoking reading….Bubba says this…Bubba says that…blah blah blah…duh duh duh.

Well—I’m sending out my New Year well wishes a bit early—but, I think it will help me focus! I’m ready to put 2010 to rest and come out swatting in 2011!

What resolutions do you wish to accomplish this year?

5 Toxic Plants to Cats

The holidays are here and all of our stupid humans seem to love to bring in pretty greenery to deck our halls—unfortunately some pretty greens just smell so darned good that we feline folk just can’t resist their toxic draw! What are some plants that will make you yack up last year’s hairballs—and maybe even ones still in progress or worse yet, take that last ninth life you’ve been saving up for your Bucket List adventures? I love green veggies as much as the next guy—but, here are 5 plants that the vets and science gurus say are toxic to cats. Avoid them, boycott them if necessary—or suffer the consequences.

Holly. My humans have some strong Celtic roots—and we ALWAYS have holly in some form or other hanging out. Looks pretty, smells good, chews well…skip it. Hacking up a hairball is NOTHING compared to Holly induced yacks. Holly hits so hard you yack from BOTH ENDS…sometimes at once.

Mistletoe. Who needs the kissyface crap anyway? Apparently human-folk think this stuff is cool to stand under—but, for the sake of Magical Mister Mistopheles—DON”T EAT IT! If the yacking from both ends doesn’t get you, you can have some trips that NO CAT would believe. I’ve heard of cats seeing some Black Lab sized MICE, I tell you…Skip the Mistletoe.

Amaryllis. Pretty flower, pretty greens—pretty darned nauseating. Sure, the puke factor is bad—but, if you eat too much of this one you can drool like a doofus, convulse like none other and have some high powered tummy cramps that a few extra helpings of cat food never brought on!

Lilies and Baby’s Breath. Okay—lots of humans get those floofsy-poofsy flower arrangements from the local florists as gifts during the holidays—and what do they stick in there? Random lilies and baby’s breath. Both of those awful things can make you sick as a dog—or even wish you were a dog. If you human doesn’t put them up out of tongue’s reach, summon your willpower and skip the holiday pretties.

Christmas Tree water. Okay, this isn’t a plant—but, since the Christmas tree becomes planted in your living room for weeks, it’s important to remind everyone about the dangers of Toxic WATER??? What will these humans think of next! First of all they bring in a tree that you are not allowed to climb, decorate it with shiny pretties that you aren’t allowed to swat—and then fill up a basin of water for the tree to sit in that can kill you??? Yep. Skip the tree water. It can have nasties like fertilizers and bacteria that grow in there when it sits for weeks on end. Save the tummy trouble and skip it!

Okay, it’s a given that humans sometimes do stupid things (especially during holidays and special occasions.) For the next few weeks, why don’t you skip eating ANY green, leafy veggie that magically appears in your midst? There are other things like poinsettia which may not kill you or make you deathly ill in small doses—but, should NOT be eaten in meal sized quantities. Use your cat sense—but also hope that your humans eliminate holiday hazards from your decked halls this year!

Why Cats Get Stressed Out During the Holidays

Okay, some of you cats and human typists know that I, Frito T. Cat, develop some annual holiday stress related health issues. In fact, the Mom human has battled my annual Thanksgiving psychosis and urinary tract stress-distress so long that she and the vet debated drugging me through the entire holiday season! I am generally a pretty laid back cat—so why do I lose it from November through January every damned year? Let me tell you—and I bet many of you other cats can relate….

Strangers invade and sometimes stay for days. I like meeting new people as much as the next cat—but, only in small doses. If I happen through a room full of strangers during a Thanksgiving meal, so be it—but, when those weirdos move in for a day or two—I kind of lose it. It’s a matter of too much new noise, new smells, and new artifacts---too much NEWNESS in general for TOO LONG. Cats like routines, we like patterns….no new Fruit-Loops for days one end. Too stressful for even a peace loving, laid back kind of cat.

Umm…Black Olives on the Thanksgiving table? HELLO—Frito T. Cat LOVES black olives. What do humans serve for Thanksgiving? Turkey? Ham? Aromatic veggies? HELLOOOO???? Cats eat birds in the wild. Turkey=Wild Bird. I am a self proclaimed vegetarian—but, black olives are my friend—and if they are on the Thanksgiving buffet, I consider myself invited. As for Fluffy D’Tail, the resident outdoor psycho-bird-hunting killer cat? You wonder why he goes a little nutso over turkey? Really?

Luggage moves in. While I do not have a problem with new artifacts in my living space—some cats like my roommate Gina—take issue when the living space becomes disorganized or cluttered. Some cats—like my roommate Gina—tend to take matter into their own paws and show the humans who rules the floors around here. While the other cats and I think Gina’s crazy (although not one of us has the whiskers to say that to her face), we can see how the disruption can cause stress and anxiety. (Note to humans staying in Gina’s house: Sit a suitcase on the floor unsupervised and you had better have a brave dry cleaner and a lifetime supply of Nature’s Miracle because she can and will pee on it.) Not kidding. If I was joking—it would be funnier.

Tinsel, tree pretties and music—oh my! My name is Frito and I eat plastic. Hey—after 10 years in Plastic Eater’s Anonymous, I can admit such things. Now—bear in mind that it sounds like plastic, tastes like plastic and exhibits a glorious sheen like plastic; even an intelligent cat like myself may view it as plastic. Tree tinsel is my weakness. Skip it this year. You, I, my intestines and the vet will appreciate the beauty of a tinsel-less bare tree. Who needs it anyway? As for the pretty hangy-downy-cat teasers….Fluffy and Lea cannot resist. Make it easy for all of us—skip those or move them up at least 3 feet from the cat’s eye view, please. Is motion activated musical nonsense necessary? Sure, sending a cat to the ceiling once may be pretty funny—but after that first time, must we really be subjected to blaring rifts of “Grandma Got Ran Over by A Reindeer” at 3 a.m. for a full month?

Humans bring a TREE into the living room. Hey—I’m a house cat. Too big to climb trees, too chicken to consider it, in fact. However, the other cats in my house are either ex-outdoorskitties or freaking insane. They climb trees. They love trees. Since Gina sent the family tree over a 12 foot landing drop off about 6 years ago, my humans wedge the tree into a corner of the dining room to keep it safe—but, still lose their minds when the girls or Fluff try to climb it. Cats climb trees daily—apparently I need to take video or something to remind my stupid humans of this fact. Skip it or learn to deal.

Okay, cats…the holiday season is stressful. Do your best to get through them. January is less than a month away—and then we are all good until the stupid Easter bunny comes along with that damned Easter basket grass….Be brave, be strong—be smarter than your humans and have a happy, safe, vet free holiday.