One Fat Cat With a Blog

Okay—I’ll admit it. There were times when I used to get a little jealous when the humans would pack up the Face of Stupid (aka Max the Hound Dog) and take him away to places unknown for a few hours…or even a few days. They still do it a lot—and sometimes it seems a little unfair—but, in the end I think Fluff, the Girls and I are better off to NOT be packed along on little outdoor road trip adventures. Let me tell you why.

Road trips require a trip outside. I am Frito T. Cat—Watch Cat Extraordinaire of the INSIDE world. I’m a housecat. The outside world is generally too hot, too cold, too wet, too dark, too bright, too windy, too smelly, too loud, or just too darned scary. Avoid road trips…avoid the outside…be one happy house cat.

Road trips generally do not end in fun-filled destinations. Have you ever noticed that when cats get a road trip—it sure isn’t for a fun filled day at the beach? My trips have ended at the vet, the boarding kennel, Grandma’s house, the groomer (sad, sad day that was) or at the home of yet another stupid dog….or some traumatic combo of all of the above. All roads seem to lead to non-cat friendly activities. I would rather skip the drama.

Cats are often misunderstood. Grandma is scared of Frito. (Really? SHE is scared of ME? Hmmm.) Cats “tear up the furniture” (yeah…and tooth filled, snout of stupid just sniffs it, right?), cats “smell” (there’s no such thing as wet cat smell…dogs on the other hand…hmmm), litterbox duties put many off (how about pooper scooper duties for a 50 pound hound dog), and cats prefer to be left alone….well, maybe the stupid humans got that one right. Even if the human’

The Face of Stupid gets carsick. Once again, my humans managed to find the one defective hound dog in the pound. Has anyone ever seen a dog, let alone a HOUND DOG, that doesn’t like to ride in cars or trucks? EVER? Well, we have one…one that hacks up his breakfast in the minute car ride to the vet. Yep..I really want to be in the car with a sack full of dog yack for miles.

When the family takes a road trip—the cats are really the ones that get a vacation. See, when my family goes away…I get my blanket back…I get my room back…I get to roam the house…I get to sleep on the dining room table…I get to eat cat food in the little kids’ bed, I get to sleep in the laundry basket. Most importantly, I do not get carried around the house, I do not play dress up..or Baby Frito or any other demeaning game…I can let my guard down because the Face of Stupid cannot stay home alone for long. All in all..if I avoid road trip vacations, I truly get a vacation in the end.

So, if you cats out there are getting bummed about being constantly left behind while the family takes off—take a few minutes to think things through. I bet you have 5 good reasons why cats hate road trips as well!

I just got a cutesy little postcard in the mail from my vet. I am officially now a “senior pet”. They mean senior—as in senior citizen kitty. Can you believe it? They think I’m old, over the hill, beyond my prime….maybe even on the last few of my nine lives. At first I was a little depressed…then I got mad at the pure rudeness of it all…then I realized that if the powers that be are doing a countdown to my demise, it’s time to live life to the fullest. Hmmm. How exactly does one laid back, scaredy cat live life to the fullest without inadvertently cutting said life a few lives short? I guess I just throw caution to the wind and write down my bucket list for a start.

Here goes…10 things that Frito T. Cat wishes to accomplish in his “senior” years.

Catch a Mouse. Cats are supposed to want to do this, right? Maybe if I caught one, I could understand what all the fuss is about. I couldn’t EAT it or anything…that’s just gross and inhumane…but, maybe the fun of it is in the catching of the mouse. Anyway…I just think it’s something I should do at least once before the end.

Get Married. Everyone says that Lea and I were meant to be, but she’s more like a little sister. I met some cats on MyCatSpace that were Frito marrying material. There was a raven haired beauty in Pennsylvania… a spunky little Siamese in California…an older feline with Gina’s spunk and a lot more wisdom in Florida, and a younger gal that looked a little like me also in Florida. Maybe I should look them up and put myself out there. Maybe it’s time the Soul Cat settles down.

Have a Frito family reunion. Crazy human lady is friends with the lady that owns my brother Michael. We were the two runts of the litter…so we were up for adoption at the same time. (If I was a runt, I’d hate to meet my “healthy weight” littermates in a dark alley!) I should have a reunion with Michael. See if we still smell the same and all, you know?

Drink from the Fountain of Youth. I love to drink from fountains—and a fountain to make me a non-senior cat would make a whole lot of sense at this stage of the game. Anyone know where they keep that thing? (I’d do a car trip…but, no planes…I’m a little claustrophobic.)

Become viral on YouTube. I used to do flips in the air catching those plastic milk jug cap rings. Did the humans pick up the video camera then? NOOOOOOO. I could have been an overnight YouTube sensation about 10 pounds ago…Time to come up with a new gimmick. I think it’s possible.

Thoroughly Bash the Face of Stupid. I’ve talked about Max the Pound Hound, AKA the Face of Stupid. One good bashing of the hound and I think I could die a happy Maine Coon.

Sleep on My Blanket without the Kid that Says My Blanket is Her Blanket. Once upon a time, I had a blanket. MY BLANKET. Along came a brat kid…then another…and suddenly my blanket was community property…THEN it took up residence on the bed of human brat #1 as HER blanket. I want my blanket back---without the kid.

Eat a Butterfly. Every year, the humans raise butterflies from cocoons on my napping table. It makes me crazy. Before I die, I WILL eat one of those butterflies. I just need to put my mind at ease. I’ve heard they taste like potato chips…and I don’t much like those…but, I just need to know for sure.

Taste every variety of tuna and salmon cat treats on the market. I am a soft cat treat kind of guy—and I love tuna and salmon. I have time to test every tuna and salmon option available and if I can get my paws on the human’s credit card, I will Amazon.com’s #1 cat treat buyer.

Sample Blueberry Muffins from every Bakery in Columbus. Does anyone know where I can get the best blueberry muffins in Columbus? I am not a people food kind of cat—but, there is just something about a good blueberry muffin that old Frito cannot resist. I’ll get a list of bakeries…maybe websites that take credit card orders. Won’t the humans be surprised when I find a blueberry muffin of the month club?

What to try first….bring on the salmon cat treats—Frito needs to live what’s left of his life!