One Fat Cat With a Blog

Thanks to Olga Quinn

I looked into getting a security system for our home. I called rochester ADT and decided to set up an appointment for next week. My sister in law and brother recently got one installed. They were teasing me and telling me that I needed to bring myself into the 21st century. When I went over to their house, they showed me all of the things that the alarm system did other than just having a loud siren. It actually was wired and would call the police if it went off. It has glass break alarms and fire alarms that call the fire department. It has motion detectors for the evening when everyone is asleep. There are also panic buttons on the key pad, that if for some reason you can’t get to the phone for some reason that you can call emergency services at the click of a button. Alarm systems have come a long way since they first started being put in homes. We are looking forward to getting ours.

My New Year's Resolutions are a tadinsky bit late this year. (Blame human with thumbs rather than big boned city kitty for said delay--as usual.) As most of you know--the crazy human lady (the one with the thumbs in this writing team) asks that all of the resident cats rethink our wasting of our nine lives at least once a year in a thoughtful, motivational post. How will old Frito be the best cat he can be in 2012?

Develop a love/hate relationship with a new vet. Most of you have heard my rants and raves over the big boned city vet who enjoys poking fun at my Maine Coon physique. Well--sadly enough the vet who has been the brunt of my own fat jokes and dietary dribble has left the building. She moved to an office across town--and, as much as I hate to admit it, I miss her. Now I have to break in a new guy (who doesn't seem to find the humor in my sense of humor) and he has so little personality that I have yet to find a marketable/bloggable character flaw. Rest assured--there is not a human alive of which Frito cannot make fun. I'm sure after a visit or two, he'll give me plenty of blogging material for the rest of my nine lives. As for my old vet--we both lost a lot of weight last year. I would like to think we motivated each other...of course I do think dropping her litter of humanoids helped her a lot more than canned mouse ears helped me--but, nonetheless--we are both healthier for our efforts.

Continue my weight loss plan. Yes, I'm still eating the diet torture in a bag—simply because it keeps me peeing like a kitten. You know what else? I think I have found some canned cat food that I can swallow! It's not half bad--as long as they keep the fishy stuff off my plate.

I will exercise. As I said last year--if I don’t stay in shape, how can I beat the crap out of one floppy eared pound hound on a daily basis? I may dislike exercise—but, I LOATHE that floppy eared pound hound. Bring on the milk ring fetching game. Frito’s still in training--just don't throw it down the stairs...I said I'm in training...not suicidal!

I will be nice to Max the Dog. (Yes, this is a human imposed New Year's Resolution for the cat) This was on the list last year...didn't happen then...not likely to happen now. Okay—I will be nice unless I catch him looking at me, or at Fluff or the girls. If he barks, I’ll bash him. If he wags that hound dog tail, I’ll bash him. If he breathes in my presence, I’ll bash him. I’m only so strong. I am just one cat. I am willing to let him sleep in the human's bed with me now--as long as he stays in his opposite corner. That counts for something right?

I will refrain from swatting the old folks. Yes--this is a repeat from last year too. It seems that I have been labeled by the GrandHumans as unfriendly—even intimidating. I would not be intimidating if they would not try to pet me, touch me, goo-goo/gaa-gaa at me or walk within 6 feet of me. Is this so hard to understand? In an effort to regain my kitty charm, I agree to refrain swatting the feeble except on the occasional third Sunday of the month. They don’t visit as often, so this should increase their odds of a swat free weekend. I may even let the loud Grandpa human pet me a couple of times before I bite him. Fair trade, right?

I, Frito T. Cat, will still NEVER eat a mouse. (In case human with thumbs forgot this little detail of our relationship.) This is more of an admission than a resolution--but, it is time that I stand up for my convictions. In the past, the humans have requested that I catch a mouse. I refuse. I now openly refuse. I am a passive kitty. I love peace. I love harmony. I may eat the occasional bug or butterfly—but, a mouse. EEWWWW.

The crazy cat lady will likely give me some secondary, “personal reflection” assignment again this year—but, until then, these are my 2012 New Year's Resolutions. As I've said before, at least the face of stupid doesn’t have a blog…boy that would offer some though provoking reading….Bubba says this…Bubba says that…blah blah blah…duh duh duh.

Okay, cat pals--what resolutions do you wish to accomplish this year?