The Outdoors Are Highly Overrated

Of course, this is just the opinion of one, petrified-of-the-outdoors fat cat, you know? The humans have been so wrapped up with yard work and running around with time-sponging little human creature critters that the cat-folk have been practically abandoned for nearly a week!
I have no clue what's great about the outside. When I get dragged out the door (and I mean DRAGGED), I put up a fight with every ounce of my being. Ask my vet, that's a lot of fight. I am an inside cat, and proud of it.
I see no redeeming qualities to the so-called Great Outdoors. It's been wet and muddy here for days. Wet paws are not an option for this big man. The dog smells horrible after he comes inside....of course, he doesn't smell April Fresh anyway, I guess, so the outside may not be entirely to blame for that.
The Great Fluff seems to like it out there...but, the girls and I are pretty sure he's missing more in the upstairs than an attic....dumb dumb Fluff we call him not so affectionately...I like to watch the birds from my window--they are so pretty. Couldn't imagine trying to eat one. (Although if the diet police don't lighten up, I may just give one a try...I think I'm a leg man..)
I guess the abundance of bugs and spiders could (and I said could) make going outside worthwhile....if I could get them without getting my paws dirty or burrs in my furs...nope, I really think I'll just let them bring the outside in to me. I can average a spider or bug every three to four days on the inside...that's good enough--I have a sensitive tummy anyway.
But--the humans seem to like it out there, so, of course, the cats get punished. Can't get on the computer, have to be subjected to Gina's unsupervised rants on the wrongs of the world for HOURS now since she isn't in hiding from the little humans, and I have to worry about when my food bowl is going to get its daily crumbs...the stress.
I have grumbled about the rain a lot for the past week or so...Heck, we are in Ohio, I've grumbled about the rain and snow my whole life! But, I have been enlightened. I am seeing some value in the rain: the humans have more time for the cats. I'm torn...wet dog smell on a rainy day or humans to indulge me...Bring on the rain.